Shaving Accounts


“Oi Dad!”, I yelled in the cemetery to wake him up from his 30-year slumber, “do you remember that little brown earthenware pot and shaving stick you used to use?”

“Bloody hell son, what is it now?”

“As I recall, you used to say ‘Son, keep your chin clean and your socks dry’ after you’d had a shave at the kitchen sink”.

“Yer, good advice that, specially if you wants to be a lady’s man. Keep yer face smoother’n a baby’s bum, that’s what I always reckoned.”



“Ever heard of a ‘hybrid synergy system’?”

“Come again? My ears ain’t what they used to be son.”

“A hybrid synergy system”.

“What’s that when it’s at home then? Summat you spray on the roses?”

“No Dad. Here’s a clue. ‘It works in harmonious partnership with award-winning gels, oils and serums’.”

“Oh right. I’m still none the wiser. What are you asking me for? You’re the one that went to grammar school; didn’t they teach you nothing there then?”



“These days, men spread gels and serums on their faces then scrape it off with a hybrid synergy system.”

“Come again?”

“It shaves better because it bends.”

“What does?”

“The elastomer skin bumper.”

“Look son, if you’re going to talk in riddles I’m off.”

“And they use exfoliating scrubs.”

“Is that like Wormwood Scrubs? You wouldn’t want to be in there son.”

“No Dad, they put it on their face.”

“Who does?”

“Modern men.”

“Bunch o’ pansy buttercups more like, if you ask me…”

“You’re not allowed to say things like that anymore, Dad. Exfoliating scrubs clear the dead skin and other debris from men’s faces.”

“The dirty buggers, why don’t they wash themselves?”

“But they do. Afterwards they use pH-balanced antibacterial dermatologically tested exfoliating scrub for deep pore cleansing…”


“…and balms and moisturisers and SPF24…”

“Good grief, I’m glad I’m dead. And these are men you say?”

“Of course they are!”

“Well they don’t sound like it to me. Then what do they do?”

“They have a shave…”

“I should bloody well think so! They’d need to get all that muck off their faces.”

“…with a hybrid synergy system.”

“Blimey, here we go again. What’s wrong with a razor blade?”

“Honestly Dad, you are so passé.”

“I am NOT pissed! Fat lot of chance of that down ‘ere where I am.”

[With apologies to Azor]

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